Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
