so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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