Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
farters have to be the big spoon...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
