Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I just gift wrapped bread.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend