Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
