Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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