The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
