you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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