hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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