You really coming over, don't trick.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
