i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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