The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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