moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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