Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This baby is an asshole
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
