My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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