i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just found puke in my bra..
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
