my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
