and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
