She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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