when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
