Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
