Soap is not a condiment
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
