Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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