Cold hands, warm shart.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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