Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
