I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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