So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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