1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dude i'm inner monologue high
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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