Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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