You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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