Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
