I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
