Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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