I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
