U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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