I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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