god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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