I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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