Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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