just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
