when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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