Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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