thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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