My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
