I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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