I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
