Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
BRING THE BAGELS
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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