I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
