LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
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Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
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There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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