Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
