Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
