theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
