I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
